Ok, I have no idea why this bothers me and I don’t even know what to call it. My husband is a “come here” guy. Something he thinks is interesting and wants to show me - hey, come here! Nuclear apocalypse - hey, come here! Why the hell wont he just tell me why he wants me to get up, trudge to wherever he is, so that he can reveal the surprise like some sort of performative art ? I never know if it’s going to be legitimate, a disaster, or something stupid. The walk to wherever he is is insanely stressful because the whole time I’m running through all possible horrible scenarios (we’ve had a lot of issues at the house lately so I never know if I’m going to find water in the basement or raccoons in the attic or a hole in my foundation, or just him looking at a funny cat video). I’d rather he say “hey, babe, something is happening wherever/whatever, come see this.” Instead I have to have the whole performance and reveal and I fucking hate it. Anyone else know what I’m talking about or am I just mental ?
I’d add a fourth one: when you’ve told him how it makes you feel (and requested he respect you and your time), he’s doubled-down on the disrespect. His shrug just shrugs off all your feelings you were open/vulnerable enough to share like they don’t matter. That’s not okay in a partnership of equals.
The other patterns you mention (like making you fumble through a new game after a long day and calling you a million times to ask minor questions) are the same thing — the initial thing was disrespectful, so you explained that to him, but he hasn’t chosen to see that as a reason to change. That’s a massive red flag.
Also, the weaponized ignorance (ie the refusal to spend the two minutes it would take to figure it out on his own) is another part of the very common pattern happening right now between very many couples. The women are waking up to just how unhealthy their dynamic is with their husbands. In the stories that make it to the internet the men don’t usually change — sometimes a huge life adjustment can shake him out of it but only if he reacts with empathy. Good luck. This is difficult. And you’re not alone.