Thank you for your advice. I want to so badly but I’m so afraid they will retaliate and slander my name especially because I’m not sure what my next career steps are and that could jeopardize future opportunities in the same line of work. What are your thoughts on the new developments described in my response to Aphelion above? This is so uncomfortable and I feel trapped!
Thank you for your advice. I liked your suggestion and did exactly this, even including a more distant salutation and explicitly saying “Farewell” whereas in my mass email to the whole group, I stated this isn’t Farewell. He ignored my email thankfully, however he has called me again recently after I met Ann to thank her for her help. What are your thoughts on the new developments described in my response to Aphelion above? This is so uncomfortable and I feel trapped!
Thank you so much for your advice. I was really hoping I wouldn’t have to come back to this post but there have been recent developments and not good ones. I like your advice to reply from my work email address and ultimately did so. Thankfully he ignored, and then I left the firm, thinking that was it. I did meet with Ann since I kept delaying a proper thank you and felt she still deserved that for helping me out. I briefly mentioned that in an ideal world, I would’ve had calls with more people before leaving, and that in reality I wanted to keep it very low-key so it was unnecessary for people to keep reaching out especially when I wasn’t even that close to them. She immediately took this as some sort of reference that it was ok for Ned specifically to call me AGAIN and I know she blabbed every detail to him as well as the other tough coworker in my post (let’s say Al). She asked if I called Al before leaving and I said yes and did that due to: 1) Al respectfully and explicitly suggested it well in advance, 2) I like and respect him, 3) we were working on the same project - none of which I can say about Ned. So Ned not only called me in the morning the next day which is a holiday - he had the audacity to FaceTime me. And why the fuck is he not sending a text or email at all? Why the fuck does he think he can just call out of the blue, especially after I have left the firm and have given the cold shoulder multiple times? The reason this is bothering me so much is that I want to be on good terms in case I go back to that line of work at some point. And they are all a toxic as shit package deal - Ned complains to Ann who spreads the word to all their little sycophants including this previous member of the group who left before me but is very well-connected and I fear she will snitch on me to a potential future company in the same profession. What should I do now? It is causing me anguish and I want to keep options open, however can I do that by ignoring him and can someone jeopardize someone else’s job offer with slander??
Oh man they both didn’t deserve you and another ounce of your energy! Thank you so much and will warmly welcome you to guest on my podcast haha, sending a big online hug back!
Thank you so much for your input, a lot to think about. I think I will wonder about him from time to time and worry about his welfare. It’ll have to be from a distance. Stay well!
Not the same person but I don’t know if that makes this better or worse, girl. And I’m fully aware my dating record so far has potential for a pretty profitable heartbreak podcast :'( Narcissist, tortured bad boy, lovebombers, guy who dumps me right before my favorite holiday, middle aged coworker who almost kidnaps me (we weren’t dating, but damn).
It helped so much to imagine everything without the sparkly tingly feels. Frightening. I agree it was moving way too fast from his side and I truly hope he finds the resources to heal. I told him he deserves happiness and hope he stays well. I’ll think about him time to time from afar. Unable to be with him, unable to forget him. That’s the way it goes. Thank you for your help, friend
Well said, I still have scars but at least they’re not open wounds anymore. And I do believe the breakup helped him in his journey even if it didn’t seem like it to either of us at that point in time. It shook him awake a bit and hopefully offered some new perspective.
Thank you for the reminder, friend. I sometimes am the hardest on myself.
Thank you for your edit. I feel like some people will think you’re being dramatic and that strangulation specifically sounds like this far-fetched phenomenon. However, I believe this is really important to address.
I want to share my two cents and illustrate why it’s not all that uncommon yet how common it is for this to be overlooked. I once was into kinky choking with significant others. I no longer entertain this and will stand by this no matter how tempted. In a frisky moment with my narcissist ex’s hands on my neck, he straight up said: “I want to SUFFOCATE you”. No one has ever said something like that to me, he was completely unprovoked, we were in good moods, and we didn’t even have so much as a disagreement at that point. For him to say that to me, as a narcissist who isn’t a veteran with PTSD, let alone a veteran with PTSD who clearly a massively damaged and dangerous person AND has war trauma, is chilling as is. Add in a few fights and drama, that becomes an even more concerning situation.
I’m not trying to dictate what people should do in the confines of their bedrooms, but I have to at least voice this. Take the kinky element out of the picture for a second. That is a full-grown man sucking the oxygen out of a woman’s lungs, both in their most vulnerable and defenseless states. If a form of taking someone’s life is what gets you going, that’s your choice and a different story entirely. I’m just saying it’d be wise to think twice, think about what actions are actually happening right before your eyes and if the risk is worth the reward. I haven’t even gotten to the psychological and mental effects that can come from glorifying choking and downplaying its dangers. There are plenty of studies online with statistics of choking inadvertently becoming fatal. One does not need to intend to murder, in order for it to happen.
I’ll even share one more. After breaking up from the narcissist, I had an extremely successful, attractive, well-liked guy tell me that he chokes anyone else in the room when he watches a horror movie. I later read up on it, and this is also not healthy behavior. So if this can be such a common concept thrown out in everyday conversation, why would anyone want to purposefully subject themselves to this literally life-threatening position - for the cheap thrills? Because they do it online? “Everyone” else does it therefore you should too?
PS: I’m not a prude and am all for other playful kinky delights with the right person. Just felt the need to share this from my personal experience which is also supported by clinical research.
Narcissist ex was Mr. Charm who became Mr. Harm. I was reeling from that for the whole year. The worst part is I think part of him genuinely regretted not being capable of knowing better than he did in the moment and couldn’t undo it. But no matter how remorseful he was in that instant, his narcissism is so deeply rooted that it would just be alleviating a symptom and not curing the disease. I was heartbroken but knew I couldn’t heal him, fix him, save him. Sometimes I still catch myself thinking about it as if I missed the solution that could make us work, but then I remind myself of the same reality - he is a narcissist who is fundamentally different from me and I would only be signing up for more pain rather than learning the lesson at a root level.
So sorry for what you had to go through and thank you for sharing. I do think he needs some time and space to heal. I feel awful for what he had to endure. His PTSD is from serving as a veteran rather than family abuse as far as he knows. Does that change anything?
Great analogy and points made, thank you. I do think he needs some time and space to heal. I feel sorry for him and what he had to go through. But part of me knows I can’t subject myself to healing him, or myself alongside him. It’s too much all at once. One more thing, his PTSD is from serving as a veteran rather than family abuse as far as he knows. Does that change anything?
Thank you so much! I really should and need to after investing a lot into my goals. I’m starting to feel bad for feeling attracted to him. More importantly, I was trying to understand why was I falling for him and what I can do to not keep going for the wrong guys.
Would you mind elaborating? It’s a topic I’ve been curious about since dating a narcissist in the hopes of protecting myself going forward. For this guy, is it because of how he was always the hero of the story? I’ve been trying to see if I can identify narcissistic traits that resemble my ex. So far, this guy has asked more questions and does seem genuinely caring/curious about me. But sometimes he doesn’t respond at all to what I say and he’ll jump to a new unrelated topic which I thought could be PTSD.
Thank you so much! I really needed to hear it and hope I can see that more myself soon.
All true, thank you! I really hope so too. I’ve never been treated that way before, especially in a setting that is fully meant to be professional by definition.
Is it possible this could change the severity of the reactions, such as HR and police involvement? The car was parked and I technically could have bailed in the middle of their sentence, so it wasn’t like they were forcefully shackling me or operating a moving vehicle. Any legal professionals able to comment? At any rate, that is exactly what he is doing - feeding toxic culture by snitching to Ann that I ignored whatever attempt he did to reach me again - and then she went and told our other coworker that I mentioned. Unbelievable, toxic culture.
I agree, thank you! That was the worst part of it all. I think it brought back some of my past trauma as well dealing with this other nasty mean pair ganging up on me. I was several years younger than that pair too. Some people just love to try exerting control when it isn’t even about that. In this case, it was as if Ann kept trying to matchmake us and felt like I owed that to her, blatantly asking my age and stating that he is X years older, asking what my type is, blaming me for “creating distance” when I always take public transpo home and simply wanted to again - on a Saturday night at that. Do you think they might retaliate though, especially Ann? I don’t know why I’m so afraid of that part
I agree, thank you! I started doing that when he was harassing me about printing months ago. It was such a ridiculous question. He asked me where in the office the printers are. They are literally everywhere. And he has been there before. There is a huge map at the entrance. Also I was not even on the floor, nor am I Maintenance. I emailed back something like “I missed the text you had sent on the weekend. There are printers near each of the supplies areas on the floor.”
I am so uncomfortable because of the new developments! He not only called but Facetimed me, and obviously does not want to have a trail. I am glad he ignored the reply I sent back via work email at the time but I thought that was it and he has resurfaced. What are your thoughts on the new developments described in my response to Aphelion above? This is so uncomfortable and I feel trapped!