Minutes 1-2: Grab a hoodie, my most comfortable walking shoes, my passports, and any extra cash. Turn on my shower, grab my cordless trimmer, set my phone on the sink, lock the bathroom door behind me. Lock the doors, leave through the garage. Grab my small adjustable wrench on the way out.

Minutes 3-5: my neighborhood lies along a set of railroad tracks that are heavily obscured by brush. Start walking. By the time they arrive at my house, I’m a good ways down the tracks and leaving my neighborhood.

Minutes 6-10: the agents have entered and found that I’m not in the shower. I’m further down the tracks and out of my neighborhood.

Minutes 11-30: I make my way to a friend’s house, mainly following the tracks. When I get there, tell them I have an emergency and can I borrow their car. The agents are searching.

Minutes 31-60: I start driving. I stop in a parking lot at a factory near my office. I look for a car that was backed into its spot and use my wrench to steal the license plate–shift change was two hours ago, so I have 6 hours before they notice. I put the other plate on my vehicle. The agents are interrogating my friend, but the border is only 1.5 hours away. I have family there.

Minutes 61-150: As I drive, I use my cordless trimmer to shave my hair and beard. About half way, I stop at a Walmart and pick up a burner phone. I dial my family as I drive. We make a plan.

Minutes 151-180: I park at Sam’s Club. My parents are already on their way back to the car with some groceries. I meet them at their car and get in the back seat. As we pull away, I crouch down and climb into the trunk. We head for the border.

Minutes 181-200: we arrive at customs, but my parents have a fast pass. They cross the border casually all the time. They don’t check the trunk. We’re waved through.

Minutes 200-525600: I contact my home country’s law enforcement. They put me in the witness protection program. I have a new identity and life. The agents search in vain.

Minutes 525601-20000000: I’m content in my new life. I work, I pursue simple hobbies, I avoid social media. Eventually age catches up with me and I decide to move into an assisted living facility. My mind isn’t as sharp as it once was. One of the workers in the cafeteria asks my name, and I give a name I haven’t heard in 40 years. The cafeteria worker raises their serving spoon. It’s not a spoon, it’s a gun. They’re the agent.

meh. front porch. people coming any distance arent going to not find me in my house

Nice try, foreign agent.

No where in my house, that’s for sure… They’re obviously going to tear the place apart and it’s the most obvious place to look for someone so unless I have some sort of secret hidden space I don’t know about, it’s a no go

Even if there’s a secret hideaway in my house, those agents are gunna station people here to wait and see if I show up, so I wouldn’t be able to leave easily either… I’d be trapped

No thanks, I’d rather leave and disappear…

My house is built on an old vertical mineshaft. I’d take the secret elevator to the bunker 300 feet below ground where my command center is. Then I’d take control of the gun emplacements hidden in the trees and the fleet of AI enhanced drones. When the agents are eliminated, the robotic dogs will drag the bodies to the incinerator shaft.

Or maybe not. You didn’t think I’d really tell you what awaits you Agent CraigOhMyEggo, did you?

I’d hide about a five minutes’ run from my home

Lamp shade, sheets, done.

There’s a small panel in the ceiling of a small closet in an upstairs bedroom. Open and squeeze through it and I’m in the attic space. Need to use my cell phone flashlight because it’s pitch black up here.

Walk across the joists to the far end and carefully lift away the insulation between the joists.

Use my phone and order a bunch of shit from a bunch of apps to be delivered to my house. Turn off the phone in case the agents can track me with it. Carefully lay on the drywall, distributing my weight across as much of the panel as possible to reduce the risk of breaking through into the room below. Cover myself with the insulation I pulled away earlier.

Now these foreign agents are going to have to find that ceiling panel, climb up in there, search under insulation to find me, wrestle me through that tiny access hole and whisk me away. All the while there are Uber drivers and pizza delivery guys showing up. And that’s all suspicious as fuck, so someone’s going to call the cops before long. If these are foreign agents, they probably don’t want to deal with law enforcement.

So I figure I need to hide under that insulation for maybe twenty minutes before shit starts getting crazy.

Nah, they’ll find me eventually. Just put on really weird porn and start jacking it to make the agents as uncomfortable as possible… then you use your secret Kung Fu moves - “Snake spits poison from hidden trousers” and “Petroleum Jill-y to the face”

Into the forest/mountain that is literally right outside my house. Harsh terrain that foreign agents won’t be able to traverse easily without local knowledge. With a five minute head start they’d have no way of finding me without dogs and helicopters. And even they would have difficulty navigating the terrain and local weather conditions.

Under the bed

Pick a direction completely at random, move into it, don’t stop or give away my location until it’s resolved. They can ransack the surrounding area pretty good, but they’re specifically foreign so they’re also being hunted as they’re hunting me, and even domestic agents have been known to lose somebody on the run.

I would get one of those cheap masks. The one with glasses, plastic nose, and the fake mustache.

No one is going to find me.

Probably wherever there are domestic agents.

Can I trust my friends, my work, my family? And these agents can’t be everywhere at once? Then I put on running gear, sunglasses, hair in a ponytail, jog like I’m just white lady exercising, to the house of my family member and ask for help, get a car borrowed from their neighbor and get on the train north to where I have more family, hoping I can stay one step ahead until I figure out what the heck is going on and handle it somehow.